On October 16, 1993 I married a woman that I imagined in 8th grade. I even drew silhouette type pictures on my book covers and desk tops of her as my ideal mate. At least in physical form. I even predicted that I would marry her by the age of 28 (and I did just that). Four months into our marriage, I found myself sitting across the desk from Dr. Lawrence Cloud, an expert oncologist with the Deaconess Hospital in Boston. At 28-years-old, I was there to receive my prognosis to a tissue biopsy done on a lymph node in my neck.
In a casual yet assertive manner, the first words out of Dr. Cloud's mouth were "Dan, How did you get into the business of cancer?" That question stopped me cold in my tracks. My entire past choices came flooding into my mind's eye. It showed me the behaviors of how I wronged myself and others. Drinking to get drunk, drugs to avoid the present moment and to self medicate, mental manipulation of many woman for sex, stealing, cheating and lying in order to just get by and survive. People pleasing in order to feel accepted, seeking outside validation for who I am and placing my joy into the people, places and things of this world. Therefore, happiness was only to be experienced when I got what I wanted and thus I became unhappy if I didn't get what I wanted. Essentially, I was sugar coating my life with the sweet things that the material world offered and self medicating to avoid emotionally maturing-i.e. growing up to become an interdependent productively loving and spiritually responsible adult. Instead, I was at best expressing and experiencing life as an emotionally dishonest co-dependent wounded adult.
I instantly knew that this cancer was the symptom of a much grander but simpler cause of my predicament. That being lacking in self-love and purpose and meaning in my life. Ironically, cancer taught me that it is okay, even beneficial to all to self love and cancer invited me to create and discover purpose and meaning for my life. I now perceive cancer is not a disease-it is a blessing, an opportunity, an invitation, a wonderful friend telling you not to drink and drive, and simply a mechanism by the intelligence of life to keep me alive long enough for me to wake up to living with consciousness.
So, my first inspiration came from Dr. Cloud in that I had a burning desire to fully answer that question "Dan, how did you get into the business of cancer?" Second inspiration was "If I could answer that question so completely I could not only lift myself up out of the grave but I could also help many others avoid the pitfalls of living an ignorant and arrogant lifestyle, such as the one I was living." Lastly, I wanted to live because I loved life and my wife at that time. I wanted to hold onto that wounded young 14 year old's image of his ideal woman.
There is tremendous energy and power in holding the vision of a beautiful woman in a man's eye. Any soldier in battle will attest that what gets them through it is their love of a woman. If a soldier is having his last breath, he says "tell my wife I loved her." Unfortunately, many soldiers returning home from their battle get the 'dear john' letter as their woman has uprooted for another man. This literally shreds a man's heart and the recovery is often futile. From 1994 to 1999, I had this terminal form of cancer return five times and pursued harsh medical treatments in order to buy me the time to figure out the answer to that powerful question. And in 1999 my wife gave me the 'dear john' letter and left for another man. Shock, abandonment, anger all become active and my cancer returned for a 6th time. It powerfully reminded me how I placed my joy and sense of self into the people, places and things of this world.
Thus I was left with how I really was experiencing life! Unhappy and ungrateful because I didn't have what I thought I wanted. I then gained another inspiration for living and that was to experience living authentically with inner joy and learn to self validate who I am and who I wish to become in this lifetime. In May of 2000, I left all medicine with tumors in my body. I recognized that in the loss of my health, wealth and loving relationship, of those three pillars to the human experience, health was the single most important factor. It was the foundation from which all others grow from. Since the medical model had exhausted their knowledge on how to manage my illness, I set course to cure it myself. In May of 2000 I left the medical model and I joined hands with Faith. Within five months I was cancer free and that was ten years ago. What an inspiration!
In my next blog-Step two towards curing cancer. Until then, what inspires you to live and love?
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