When you begin the quest to procure information for health and healing who do you trust? In my case I had a terminal form of cancer and there is literally hundreds of ways I could have gone about creating a healthful body/mind. What I learned was that every single practitioner from the medical doctor, the nutritionist, the health educator, the retreat center, the faith healers, etc... that they are all right. Each person, place or thing such as magic water, essential oil or super food, will illustrate that they have your answers. They do so by backing themselves up with academic knowledge and acronyms beside their names. They do so by hanging all their certifications, diplomas, and degrees on their office wall. They do so by sharing with you all the testimonials and scientific studies that validates their product or services in hopes of influencing you to not only inquire about their business but also market in such a way to call to take action. Being in a vulnerable place, your feelings will govern or even override any reasoning and you then become lost in the information because you have forgotten that the only one who has the truth is you.
Therefore, it is wise even prudent to come in contact with your truth before action. The truth that I anchored in first was I had to learn how to use nutrition and movement to improve my wellbeing. I then seeked out mentors/teachers in those fields who I imagined represented optimal health and healing. In other words, I had created a picture of what health would look like and feel like and hired practitioners that represented that picture. Pretty logical which meant that I was innately able to access my mental capacity to reason even if my body was experiencing feelings of fear, frustration and sadness.
Here is how I came to trust my own inner voice.
In April of 2000, I found myself in a gun club taking a 'gun safety' class. I was doing this so I could gain access to a pistol in order to end the inner turmoil and suffering. I didn't want to end my life but wanted to end how I was experiencing life. After the lesson, I was free to use the facility for a nominal fee. Then one day the tension was so great that I went to the gun club and rented a semi-automatic pistol. All alone in the gun range my inner dialogue began. "Go ahead kill yourself-Do it" The other voice said "No-I want to live but not like this". "Then do it-end it right now" This inner dualistic battle went on for a few minutes until what seemed like a third voice said "If the two of you are going to argue back in forth why not take a shot at the target!" It was like a comercial break from my own dramatic sitcom. It sounded reasonable and I placed 100% of my focus on hitting the bulls eye and a magical experience occurred! With such intense focus, the target became so large it filled the whole room. It was as if the target was only a couple of feet in front of me. In that state of hyper focus, I seemed to have merged with the target and became conscious that all pain and suffering no longer existed. Yet I was still fully aware that I had a gun and was in a gun club range but the desire to end my life was gone. I had made conscious contact with my conscious self! I realized that my pain and suffering was because of either my inability to consciously be in the present moment or my resistance to the present moment. I further concluded that I was addicted to suffering as my experience of life. The cure for such addiction was not only learning to be in the present moment but also, learning to love myself. With such a joy filled insight, I emptied the gun's ammunition into the target. I looked at the gun and smile saying to myself "Guns do not kill but paradoxically can save lives-if one has the 'eye' to see. I concluded that I was looking at life through the eyes of duality or judgments and attachment (addiction) to my suffering and the present moment dissolves duality into oneness. My illness' were in some way a result of the separation from experiencing life in this state of conscious awareness and oneness.
After that experience I was guided to the book the Power of Now, authored by Eckhart Tolle. In May of 2000, I found myself in the psychiatric ward because I was still very unstable even after that experience. I admitted myself with the request that I simply had the need and desire to learn how to love myself. The psychiatrists smirked saying it was my mental bi-polar illness that was the problem and all that was needed was the right combination and dosage of medication. They didn't hear me at all. In that moment I was filled with so much anger and the feeling of abandonment from society. With so much fear and anger, my cancer returned the very next day proving to me that medicine offers fear rather than the love that I yearned for. In 7 days I left the ward, and through the use of the book the Power of Now I was able to here my inner voice on how to heal my soul and my cancer. I was able to trust myself and follow that trust to the people, places and things necessary for my full recovery. With in a few weeks, the practical how to answers to my cancer came to me.
Trust your inner intuitive voice and/or viseral gut instincts when seeking information and ask questions to satisfy your inner knowing of what you truly need in order to heal.
In my next blog, Step 3-Participation.
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